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What does it mean to be satisfied?

To be content with one’s existence?

Is it ultimately achieving a lifelong goal?

Is it to no longer feel worry or anxiety about one’s own life?

Whatever it may be, I want to find it. I want to feel this. I want to know this feeling of true satisfaction. I’ve felt something like this in the past, these glimmers of contentment, but they fade away far too quickly. Far too often have these feelings been overtaken by more anxiety, more irrational fears that plague my mind. It is like a thorn in my side, digging deeper into my skin with each passing moment. I want out of this cycle of sorrow. It is not how we are meant to live. It is not how I am meant to live. I am still young, many years of life lie ahead of me, but they all seem so far away. I want the tears of sorrow to be tears of joy. I want to feel contentment and to find peace. I want this looming feeling of worry to be taken away from me. I don’t want to struggle through the prime of my youth.

But…that’s just it, isn’t it?

Humanity is flawed, marked by stains of sin and impurity. What I long for is perfection. And that is impossible to obtain here on Earth. This longing for eternal contentment on Earth will only drive me mad. If it hasn’t done so already. My hunger, my futile desire for an unnatural peace perpetuates this cycle of sorrow. This feeling that I long for will only lead to stagnation. An eternal stillness. An endless now. We are not meant to live like this either. This leaves us with a question: what is one to do? How can one live if one wishes not to struggle, yet earthly peace only leads to stagnation? Do we perpetuate this false peace, living in a delusional and unnatural bliss? Or do we embrace the struggle, cherishing what fragments of peace we have before they slip away?

I think…I may have an answer.

We push through the agony of the struggles, never losing hope, never losing our way. The greatest trait of humanity is perseverance. The ability to keep pressing on no matter what happens. It is what allowed our kind to survive for so long. It is why we are often unstoppable. We don’t know when to give in. The undying spirit of humanity is a beautiful thing. And yet, so many people go through their lives not ever seeing it. They believe this world is cold, dark, unforgiving, and an utter disaster. And it is. This world is cruel. Good men die young, and evil prevails far too often. So many people are manipulated by twisted desires, turning them into monsters. But, in all of this, I dare to say: is this truly all there is? I choose to stand in defiance of the sorrows of this world. I choose to push forward through the pains of this life.

The pain runs deep. It gnaws away at my mind and soul, drowning them in agony. Yet here I stand. Never losing hope. And with the gall to keep pushing forward.

Accept the struggles you live in, but never, ever give in to them. The pain may be in the night, but joy comes in the morning.

This is something that I will wrestle with contently.

But I know I can come back from the depths of despair every time.

For it is not the end of me.

And it never will be.

When will we realize all is meaningless?

Wealth, fame, fortune, power – it is all but a delusion. We will never be satisfied, always wanting to get ahead, always wanting more. Is this not the folly of man? Is this not our hubris? Greed will only drive you mad. It will be a gaping hole in your soul that will never be filled. We toil and wrestle with these things on Earth, but it is all for nothing.

One generation will come, and soon another after, but the earth remains the same. What has been done will be done again, and there is nothing new under the sun. There is no remembrance of former things, nor will there be a remembrance of things that are to come.

There is but one thing that can save us: Faith. This, too, may be in vain. Many people mock Faith, shunning it and calling it nothing but insanity. They are free to think this way, and it is not our duty to strip them of it. People of Faith are merely messengers. We spread and water the seeds of Faith throughout, but it is ultimately up to the individual to make the plant grow. Through Faith, we are saved, and our lives are given purpose. For no earthly thing can truly save us.

Faith may be all we have left.

And I fear our time is short.

I know of fear.

I know of sorrow.

I know of pain.

I know what they can do to you. They can eat away at your heart and soul, leaving nothing but anguish and dread in their wake. They are like adamantine chains shackled to your body, immobilizing you entirely. It is a paralysis that is all-consuming.

But, despite it all, these chains can be broken. Though Faith and belief in one’s self and the will to rage against the tormenting grip of despair, you can overcome anything that comes your way.

It can be petrifying to seek and follow through with a change in one’s self. The fear of the unknown binds so many people, preventing them from moving on and moving forward. But the future that lies before them can be so much brighter. So much better than the turmoil they wallow in endlessly.

The only way to truly change is to step forward, take a chance, and embrace the unknown with your head held high. Do that…and nothing is impossible.

So, move forward.

Break the chains that bind you.

Do not let the malice of this world consume you.

And finally…

…be free.

I’ve practically been raised as an only child.
I am a very private and independent individual.
I am currently living by myself.

All of these have one thing in common: they are a breeding ground for loneliness. The isolation has never bothered me. It’s quiet. I like it. It gives you time to think, time to meditate. It’s something that we can all use, but some think it’s impossible to obtain. Their lives are “too busy” or “too chaotic”. Unfortunately, that’s just…how it goes for some. I hope they can find peace, somehow, someway.

My path in life is…fascinating, to say the least. It is rooted in what can be seen as “traditional” or “old-fashioned”, but it still holds its ground in the new and the now. My path is a chimera. I am a chimera. An amalgamation of ideals and philosophies that seem impossible to coexist, and yet I still stand. It’s working. At least…that’s what I tell myself, anyways.

Being this “chimera” has sometimes made me feel alone when it comes to expressing ideals, philosophies, ways of life, and the list goes on. I feel as if I can belong in a thousand different crowds and understand where they’re all coming from, but I would never truly feel grounded. I do not believe that I don’t belong anywhere. I believe that I can belong everywhere. If this is the case, then it would all come back to me. As much as I try, I cannot belong everywhere. I must find where I feel the happiest. That may mean forging my own path. Therein lies a question: when I do forge my own path, what will I lose? What will I gain?

I guess there is only one way to find out.

How long will this era of darkness last?

Will I ever live up to my potential?

How do I find peace? Where do I find rest?

Does anything I do matter?

If I were to disappear, who would come looking for me?

Would anyone give the same kindness to me I do to them?

Will I ever leave a mark on this world?

Do I matter?

It’s funny how well I’m able to suppress this dark and melancholic side of me. In my Public Speech course I took, I remember receiving so many comments on how I’m “so full of passion and positive energy,” even though sometimes I feel the exact opposite – a dead man walking and as cold as ice. Perhaps I put on this persona of confidence and charisma to endure and cope with the hardships I face. A way to distract myself from the frustration and sorrow that dwells within my soul.

How long, I wonder, can I keep this persona alive?

Only God and the wind know for sure.

Dearest Future Me,

Hey. You. Yeah, I’m talking to you…me. The future me. The one who will look back at all of this in remembrance someday. Promise me something. Promise me you’ll get yourself out of this mess you’re in. You’re better than this. And you know you are. You let your own mind get in the way. Learn to adapt to it. Learn to control it. Learn to overcome it. Learn…to rely on others for support. You’re not alone in this fight. They’ll take care of you when you need them; all you gotta do is ask. And, this is by far the biggest thing, take care of yourself. If you don’t, you’ll destroy yourself from the inside out. The only way to break a man is to break his mind. And this current you that’s writing this…is really close to doing so. That’s why I’m writing this before it’s too late. I’m making a promise to myself to give myself something to hold onto. Know that you are loved. You are an excellent young man whom a lot of people admire. Don’t break their hearts by destroying yourself. Live on through the pain, for it is never the end of you. Now then. Knowing me, you’re probably looking at this in the wee hours of the night. Go to bed. Rest…you deserve it. You’ve done everything you could. And don’t forget: The Lord, no matter how far He may feel from you, will always be with you. Hope you’re doing well. Take care, buddy. I mean it.

Sincerely,
Your Present Self

“Alright. Take a good, long look at yourself. What do you see?”

I see a man desperate to find answers, but they all seem just out of reach.

I see a man trying his best to be a good, honest person, but harbors fear, doubt, and even darkness in his heart.

I see a man who knows his potential and strives for it, but his mind gets in the way.

I see a lonely man who still finds peace in solitude.

I see a man surrounded by sorrow, but light still manages to come through…somehow.

I see a man who wants to help those who are hurting, even though he is in great pain himself.

I see a man who strives to be a beacon of light for the lost and a shelter for the weary. If only there was someone who would be the same for him.

I see…me.

In February of 2021, our home was ravaged by the frigid cold that stuck nearly all of Texas. Barely anything was salvageable – countless pipes burst inside of the walls, letting the water run rampant in the home. Not a single room was spared. Floors, walls, virtually everything got hit with water. Luckily, we acted swiftly enough to save some walls and ceilings of the house as well as most of our furniture. But the house as a whole was far from well. It was tarnished – and it was heartbreaking. A decade of living was demolished within a matter of hours. But, we would not let this be the end. We pressed on, and we were determined to repair and rebuild better than ever before. Now, we have what is known as a “Garage-Apartment,” a secondary living space akin to a two-story studio apartment. It is connected to our main house via a breezeway. And by the Grace of God, this area was entirely untouched. No damaged walls, furniture, pipes, or anything. It was as if nothing had happened there. This gave us hope that we at least had a comfortable place to live while repairs were being made. And so, the rebuilding process began. Six months later, and after countless hours of labor and hardships, we moved back into our home. Our home was now incredibly immaculate and infinitely better than our old one. Almond wood vinyl flooring, wainscoting along the walls, and many more beautiful upgrades transformed the home into something truly special. It has a warm, inviting, and classy atmosphere. This, indeed, was a blessing in disguise.

I say all these things…yet I still feel so…empty. Like there’s a hole in my very core. See, I was at Texas A&M working away as a young college student during the rebuilding process. I was away from home…but I had no home to go back to. I will admit, when I first heard the news that our house was hit hard, it was devastating. I couldn’t even imagine how my parents felt – they had to endure all of this. For about six months, I was on my own, doing whatever I could to stay well. I helped out wherever I could – I was the one who helped pick the main color scheme of the house, pick out some furniture, and many other minor things. My parents would fill me in on what was happening around the house, which I’m thankful for. But it wasn’t until early May that I saw the house for myself. It was surreal seeing everything in person. Our house looked like an abandoned shelter, with an exposed wooden frame and everything. I’m so thankful that everything is going well now…but those six months were undoubtedly painful. Again, I can’t even begin to imagine how my parents felt during all of this. But as for me…I’m no longer the same man I was before The Freeze.

Imagine feeling like you’re trapped in purgatory for months on end, alone and stuck with your own thoughts, and given the promise that things will be better sooner than expected, only to have reality come in and decimate that Hope. It was depressing. It wasn’t easy. And I didn’t like it. I didn’t like it at all. I tend to get locked inside of my own head, dwelling on endless thoughts for far too long, and with no one to help outside of a few friends and family who vaguely understood what was really happening to me, it ate me up inside. I am beginning to open up more and more now, which has helped, but…I just hope my words haven’t fallen on deaf ears. This is a fight that I must face with the help of God, for we are the only ones who can truly resolve this. The unconditional support I’ve received has been a blessing. It is a great comfort knowing that I am surrounded by so many people who care for me and only wish the best for me. But, even still, words can only carry you so far. Only I can truly fix this. Only I can remove the darkness that has enveloped me with the power of the Holy Spirit. Only I can say and believe that all will be well and that I am a wonderful young man with great potential. And the day that I truly, truly believe this…my whole world will change. There is still something that lingers in my mind: What is holding me back? Is it…myself? Am I the one getting in my own way? Have I fallen so far, that I only have myself to blame now?

The truth of the matter is, well…I feel alone. Distant from everyone, even my friends, who I talk with daily. I often feel like I’m left behind, and there are so many things that I wish I’d said or done, but instead, I chose to sit in silence. Cold, dead silence. Countless opportunities were wasted due to my cowardice and fear of the unknown. What a fool I am. What a fool I am to think this way. If something takes me out of my comfort zone, then so be it. I’ll eventually grow stronger from it.

I ultimately believe that this is my biggest flaw. I’m a coward. I refuse to take leaps of faith, try something new, or anything similar because it doesn’t make me feel safe. I can’t just sit around and do nothing when trying something new. I have to put forth effort into it. And to be perfectly honest, I don’t want that. I don’t want to work on something hard. I just want to sit back and work on whatever I’m comfortable with in this nice, safe little bubble I’ve created. I believe this is because I’ve honestly had my fill with changes. I’ve had enough of things going wrong, working all the time, and fixing things for what seems like an eternity. I want my peace back. I want my happiness back.

But…even still…I know this is wrong. I know that being idle is the worst thing I can do. It will only make things worse. I know that firsthand. “Idle hands are the Devil’s Workshop,” as they say. The struggles, the hardships, and even the sadness prove that we’re real. That we’re human. The sadness makes us yearn for something more. Hope, Love, Joy, Happiness, all things that make life worth living. Because without that, there is nothing. There is no point to existence. Hope and Light are what keep the world afloat. And it’s what’s keeping me afloat as well. Because without the core of Light that I have within me, and a belief that one day pain and suffering will be no more, I honestly believe I would be a lost soul forever. No worldly hope, no worldly thing could save me. And I am so thankful that this is not the case for me. I’m thankful that I believe in Hope, and that The Lord will make all things well in the end.

I know my family has had countless struggles, many more than I can count, and some of which I may not even be aware of. I believe that one of the Cardinal Virtues in my family is Perseverance. Our steadfast nature and will to overcome anything is something that I have rarely seen in anything or anyone before. It is a gift, and I believe it is something that we need to survive in this current day and age. Perseverance, Loyalty, Honesty, and Kindness are the Virtues of my family. These are the things we need to embody in order to survive here on this Earth. Again…unfortunately, these are things that I rarely see in others.

This world, at its core, is dark. It is evil, tainted by malice, selfishness, and empty promises of satisfaction. This must be combated with Good. Goodness, Patience, Love, Joy, all of these things are what truly matter. This world will corrupt you. It will take your core and fill it with all of these desires and things that seem delectable but will do nothing but hurt you in the end. You must learn to think for yourself. Become your own person, and do not be easily swayed by the world’s desires. This…this is how we fight.

I am thankful that I am gifted with this wealth of knowledge and wisdom. And I hope and pray that one day, I will teach others these things and much more, and restore Hope to the world. I may fall once again, and Lord knows I’ve done that more times than I can count, but I will never stay down. So, may the Lord guide me in this life, and may all things be made well through His Will. May the Lord bless this world we live in, now and forevermore. Amen.